september 20, ondisplay collaboration

i don't know how to write this adequately. i have tried at least a dozen times.

when the night has come
and the land is dark
and the moon is the only
light we'll see

the lyrics are simple. typed out they seem almost trite.
but if i close my eyes... if i let mr. king's amazing voice wash over me, i can remember being seven years old, rollerskating around my basement with my sister. i can remember putting her on a leash and pretending we were cats, i can remember marrying her at least a hundred times. i remember the way her hair always frizzed out around her like a golden halo, the only blonde in the entire family.

no i won't be afraid
oh i won't be afraid
just as long as you stand
stand by me

i remember being twelve and sitting in a closet with my nine year old sister. i remember playing Green Day really quietly so we wouldn't get discovered with our evil 90's music. after green day we always pulled out the old music from the rollerskating years, the ben e. king and beatles, the mommas and the poppas, the beach boys. i remember falling asleep to this song, curled up with my sister.

if the sky that we look upon
should tumble and fall
or the mountains should
crumble to the sea

i remember being fourteen and fifteen, spending hours in the park wandering by myself. i remember scratching myself until i bled, smashing my head into walls until i couldn't see straight. i remember crawling into bed at night in tears at the hopelessness of it all. i remember offering myself to a boy who then rejected me, i remember my first cigarette, my first french kiss, my first blind guilty grope. i remember the taste of marijuana, the lack of respect that it got me, the shame.
i also remember my sister. i remember making her try a cigarette so that i could feel less guilty about my own smoking. i remember telling her all my guilty secrets so that she would have to part of it with me. i didn't want to be alone in it, i wanted her there, so i dragged her with me.
maybe it made her feel a bit more grown-up, but i think it scared her more than anything.

i won't cry, i won't cry,
no, i won't shed a tear,
just as long as you stand,
stand by me.

i remember being sixteen, and putting on black lipstick for the first time. the taste of it, the feel of it on my lips. i remember sitting at the table and designing my eyes, asking for my sister's help in picking the best, most beautiful set of swirls to paint onto the corners of my eyes. i was a beautiful goth, and i never cried. i thought i'd found something to stand by, and i never even saw my sister standing there.
i remember dressing her up once, putting her in my clothes and taking her to the mall. she didn't like the way people looked at her, but i thrived on it. i couldn't share it with her, but i know she told all of her friends about me. she used to bring them over just to look at me, but it wasn't malicious, it was because her sister was a goth and none of theirs were. it was because in a strange way, i think she was maybe proud of me. i would like to think that.

now we don't listen to music together anymore. she listens to destiny's child and backstreet boys, all the popular music that i never listened to when i was her age. she wears lots of makeup, foundation and lipstick and eyeliner and mascara, she wears a ton of color, plays sports, and never takes guys seriously. she floats from friend to friend, it seems, without ever being damaged in the process. she talks back to her teachers, throws her books across the room, slams doors and yells a lot.
she never, ever, wants to be like me.
i suppose you could say that i shaped her a little bit, in that she is so scared of making my mistakes that she is going far into the other end of the spectrum. we've always been different, but now we're polarized, it seems.
she still loves me.
she sees me as sort of pathetic and defenseless, i think. she tries to stick up for me whenever she can. she's called my ex-boyfriends and actually threatened to beat them up before. she's my avenging angel, but i wish we could be friends again.
i know she's going to get hurt someday. i know that i see her as charmed only because i don't understand her. she is one of the girls i used to be scared of because they always had a "group" and "groupies". i can see her only as a stereotype sometimes. but i know she's still my sister.
she used to rollerskate with me.
she's always stood by me. she's always there. i love her with a passion...

whenever you're in trouble
won't you stand by me
oh stand by me
stand now, stand by me

i'll be there.


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