june 29

trepidation n. 1 a feeling of fear or alarm; perturbation of the mind. 2 tremulous agitation. [based on Latin trepidus 'alarmed']

DK Illustrated Oxford Dictionary

and so it is with great trepidation that i approach the oncoming days and weeks; the actions and reactions of the soon-to-be-here. i think i have reclaimed my ability to write for an audience of one. i am almost certain that this journal is once again open to me, and so i suppose i have returned.
i was going to dress up for this - don my favorite skirt and my best shirt, wash my hair and do my makeup. instead i slept in, got up after everyone else had left and made myself breakfast. a heaping plate of perfectly browned hashbrowns, an english muffin dripping with butter and honey, and a tall glass of orange juice with six ice cubes. i flipped open the paper and looked through the classifieds, filled out an application at malljobs.com and decided that no, i do not want to be a "circulation rep" for a magazine.
i'm still not dressed, my bed is unmade, the dishes are stacked haphazardly in the sink awaiting the arrival of my rubber-clad hands. (never wash dishes without gloves. it's disgusting.)

i'm leaving for matt's house within a week, just one of the things i am so nervous about. i can handle getting myself up and fed, cleaning up after myself and getting things done. i can handle time spent alone and the silence of an empty house.
but it is a house that is going to be full within a few hours. it is only silent until my family returns. it's not that i'm scared to be alone, it's just that i don't know i will handle it. i think it will be fine, in fact i am prepared for a fantastic summer. i am simply nervous, since i haven't spent even so much as a single night completely alone before.
mom and i are going over on


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